Sadness.

I'm afraid there's a reason plans were put on hold and I haven't blogged in awhile. There's been something I've been holding out on this blog. A friend of mine has been going through a rough time. Last year, his fifteen year old brother was diagnosed with brain cancer. (This was after a headache that he had been complaining about to us that seemed harmless but turned pretty quickly.) After CAT and MRI scans, his cancer was found.

Over the last 15 months, this fantastic kid has been battling chemo, radiation and been poked and prodded without a single complaint. He's also been in a lot of pain, but you wouldn't have known it with the smile and the thumbs up he gave. I've been so proud of him. This school year, he got straight A's and and honors.

Right before Easter however, the monster in his brain grew in an area doctors could not operate on and he entered the hospital to try one more treatment. I'm sad to say that he passed away on May 8th.

Since then, we've all been reeling, but especially his parents and brother. I don't know what to say my friend about the death of his sibling, since it's a pain I can only imagine. Very secretly, I've been grieving too. I'll catch myself thinking of this sweet boy as I'm watching TV or I'm trying to go to sleep. I'll climb into my friend's car expecting his brother to be in the backseat. I'll go on his myspace and facebook, almost leaving a message, hoping he'll reply. I worry about my friend, who keeps saying he needs me, but I don't want to confess to him that I don't always know what to do. I was with my friend everyday until yesterday, when I'll admit I selfishly gave myself a break from it all, went on a job interview, cancelled the second one, then fell asleep at home. I'm tired all the time. I'm not hungry at all.

But I can't say that to the family, because their pain must be so much worse. Maybe I shouldn't be hurting at all, but I don't want to say that I am. I almost cried last night, but held it in. I can't cry right now. I have to be strong for my friend and their family.

But I can't help but think, after knowing my friend for five years that I'll miss his brother. And I didn't even think I would go over their house and not hear his brother running down the stairs, or tossing his back back by the door, or the sounds of video games. I didn't think that we would stop taking him to karate, or he wouldn't be going to the county fair with us anymore or I wouldn't be able to win a movie poster for him. I should have treasured him. He was an angel in the making. Godspeed to an awesome boy. Heaven is so lucky to have you.